June 22, 2013

• Relationships: Online Vs Direct Meeting Pros/Cons

  When looking at how people meet each other for relationships, the widely accepted methods are:

  1) Through mutual friends

  2) At the work place
  

  3) At a party

  4) At a club or some other social event

  5) Chance meeting doing some daily activity

   

  Someone might ask a few questions if one uses one of the “Matchmaker” dating services, but this is also widely acceptable.

  In general, no one blinks or things twice about anyone meeting via those methods. However, anyone engaging in meetups in other “non direct” ways such as:

  1) Printed dating classifieds (old school)

  2) Online dating sites (modern)

  3) Online social networks
  

  You can get an immediate negative response from folks, as if it’s taboo or weird to meet people without first establishing visual contact. They ascribe weird or dangerous people more likely to be in this dating pool. The stigma can be so influential that many people meeting this way usually change the story to match one of the more traditional ways of meeting if they become a couple.

  In reality, indirect meetings via online pose no greater risk than meeting a casual stranger in real life. People can be funny with how they think- what makes the charming stranger you meet at a party any safer than someone you’ve first met online? Answer – nada. It’s just another avenue available for meeting new people.

  As time goes on however, online dating is slowly being normalized into an acceptable “socially approved” way to meet people.

  So the question comes up – which way is better – “in person” direct meet ups, or first starting online- “non directly” before meeting?

  In my opinion – if done right, meeting online can be superior to meeting directly.

  What? Meeting someone from the net can be “better” than meeting someone directly? That’s crazy talk!- I’m sure several of you are saying that. However, hear me out, as I attempt to prove this by the points I make…

  In Person Direct Dating:

  Pro: Get an immediate visual of person to check for physical appeal, compatibility, and “chemistry”.

  This is among the biggest assets of direct meeting-you immediately see the person and can tell whether you feel any attraction with the way they look and what they have to say.

  Con: Physical attraction/compatibility takes precedence over the more complex emotional/philosophical/intellectual components of a person since they take more time to learn about.

  What usually happens is we tend to get into relationships based more on physical attraction first, then proceed to learn more about the other person. In other words, we use the simpler method of lust/attraction and then “hope” that the more complex aspects of compatibility work out. This process is bass ackwards when you really think about it.

  Really, think about it – how many dating relationships have you had with very good looking people that didn’t work out? Yet we use the same methods over and over. Direct meeting is great if the intent is just a physical or “fling” type of relationship, but can be problematic if the search is for an LTR.

  The visual attraction aspect is also a problem in that it immediately changes the dynamics of the relationship from the first day of meeting. If we see someone we find very attractive, we usually go into “defense” mode rather than”offense”. By that I mean we don’t ask as many “filtering” questions to find true compatibility because we are more concerned with not getting eliminated ourselves. We’re more likely to “over think” before we speak, which doesn’t lend well to honest straightforward communication.
  

   

  Online dating:
  

  Pro: Can learn more about a person’s personality and beliefs. A better early gauge of emotional/philosophical/intellectual chemistry.
  

  You have the ability to learn more about a person’s true qualities and shortcomings. You are also more willing to be direct and honest with each other since it feels semi-anonymous with little awkwardness plus you’re talking from a place you feel comfortable. This leads to much freer conversations covering more topics. This is where you can, if done right, determine a much better measurement of someone’s true compatibility.
  

  Con: No visual/direct connection which can lead to several pitfalls. If done right, many if not all of these problems can be avoided.
  

  Pitfall 1: No instant visual “connection/chemistry” when meeting.

  This is what can sink many budding relationships. The visual becomes the focal point again all other connections go to the wayside. The problem stems from the body/mind making an immediate determination based on how we’ve programmed our mind on who we are attracted too. We feel either attracted, neutral, or not attracted  to someone the instant we see them – a biological response.

  For the cases where there is not immediate attraction, it’s important to realize that time is needed for the body/mid to adjust to someone outside our initial preprogramming.

  This usually happens naturally in other situations. Think about someone you’ve met through work or some other social function that you initially had zero attraction to, or may have even been somewhat repulsed to a certain extent. Then over the course of time through regular interaction you learn more about this person and their personality grows on you. Then something unexpected happens – you find yourself now becoming attracted to this person you previously felt nothings towards. So what happened? As you learned more and started to like who the person was, your mind accepted this person into the “attractive” programming category.

  This happens quite often and is funny when you know a person who says they only want to date a person with (long list of qualifying looks), only to wind up with someone completely different from the list. When you ask them about that disparity, all you get is a sheepish grin.

  By the way, it’s also clear this secondary programming can go the other way – someone you were initially attracted to can become repulsive as you learn more things about them that you dislike.

  So the solution to this pitfall is to give it time – the two folks need to spend time together. You already know you have checkmarks in the complex areas of compatibility, so that should remain the focus through the initial stage.

   

  Pitfall 2: Terminal case of the “Awkwards”

  There’s going to be a level of unfamiliarity with the initial direct meeting, which can trigger shyness/awkwardness. Both people can react off each others awkward feelings which only adds to having a negative experience.

  When meeting, it’s best that at least one person be an “icebreaker” – one that plays the host/lead and isn’t shy- which helps the other person feel more comfortable.

   

  Pitfall 3: Getting in too deep before meeting

  A classic mistake is a couple getting way too “lovey dovey” or sexually suggestive, only to fall into the trap of the “awkwards” when meeting. It’s better to consider it building on a friendship and not focus on too much more than that until after you’ve met. After all, by the time the meeting takes place there should be enough compatibility for a decent friendship at a minimum, even if a relationship isn’t in the cards.

  Pitfall 4: Keeping things too light
  

  This is the opposite of pitfall #3 – keeping the conversation too light/shallow with no deep conversations, and staying at that level. Without meaningful discussion, it will be harder to determine areas of compatibility. Most of us say the same things when asked what type of person we’re looking for, but you really start getting a good idea about someone after they get comfortable in freely speaking their mind across a range of topics.
  

   

  If those pitfalls can be avoided, you likely have a much better chance at winding up with a good match over the the “classic” direct methods.

   

  Which also explains a recent article/study noting that people who marry with “online” origins are more likely to have happier marriages and less likely to divorce than those who met in more traditional ways: 

  http://healthland.time.com/2013/06/03/more-satisfaction-less-divorce-for-people-who-meet-spouses-online/

   

   

  • 9:20 pm
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